My Health and Fitness Journey


Today I just want to want to vent about the struggles I've been enduring these past three months because I just need to write these words out for future me to read them and remember all that I've been through.

So, ever since when I left high school and was accepted at university my health took a U turn. I stopped doing any sport or any exercise, I only walked to uni and back home and didn't move my body. And I ate very badly. I didn't understand what eating healthy meant and just did what I wanted when I wanted.

In my last year of Uni, I and a couple of friends joined the gym because they had a partnership with my university and exercising meant spending more time with my friends by joining fun classes and just having fun at the gym. At this time, I was 23 or 24, and I didn't restrict anything from my diet and lost 10 kg in 6 months. I wasn't weighing myself every day and I wasn't counting calories, I didn't know-how. 

Fast forward to 2022. I've gained all back and I've developed body dysmorphia and a bad eating disorder that only I know. Ever since 2020, every time that I look at myself in any mirror, I hate what I see, and wish that I could just be different. That's how the problem started. At the end of last year, I was down 7 kg from the march. In February every kg was back because I had covid and didn't move a muscle and ate. I was sick, and I didn't want to think about my fitness. When I stepped on the scale and saw those numbers go up, I wanted to cry, everything that I worked on for the past four months, was gone. 

So, I did what an intelligent person would do. Go on a harsh diet and restrict my calories. And having a wedding in three months didn't help me. I went online and tried to find my TDEE and subtract 500 calories to discover my calorie deficit. I eliminated every bad item from my diet, and I didn't go to dinner with my friends because I didn't want to gain fat. I was obsessed with the number on that scale.  I ate super clean, every "sugar-free" option.  Did the number on the scale go down? Yes, but it hit a plateau after a while. But my health also went down.
 As I'm writing this, I just got my period after three months of not having it. When it didn't appear during the first month, I wasn't scared because it had happened before when I was younger and it happened two times. 

After reading that over exercising and not fueling your body can cause your period to dissapear - this is called amenorea - I was scared. This problem hit me very hard and my mentality changed. Something clicked in my brain. I couln't keep up like this, and keep harming my body to achieve something that would not come. 
Don't get me wrong, I love moving my body! I found pleasure and fun by exercicing, by doing my weights and walking more, but I was getting obcessed with hitting 10k steps everyday by walking on the treadmill everyday and by following those low impact cardio videos on youtube. 

So, what have I learned? As of right now, I've learned that the number on that scale isn't everything and it doesn't tell you that you're healthy. You can be losing weight but can be doing a lot to hurt your body that you're not aware of. 
So, from now on, I'çç be reducing the amount of exercise, by 45 minutes of weights 4 times a week and limiting my cardio to 30-35 minute walk every evening while taking my dog out for a walk. No more sweaty cardio sessions two times a week, just walking the dog everyday. 

And my diet? Well, I've been eating more and including more sugar and "bad foods". I'm not couting calories but I'm aware of portion sizes. One day maybe I'll return to couting calories, but as of right now, I don't feel confident or strong to dive back in and reverse everythinh I've achieved these past weeks.
I wanna include everything on my diet and be happy! 

Hope you enjoyed this post!



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